Waving, Not Drowning.

First, the more I transition into Mother, the less I recognize my Maiden self.  I have been blogging faithfully for more than ten years so if I want to shove my face straight into who I used to be, it’s all there for me.  Reading it now, I feel unrecognizable to myself which is causing all sorts of cognitive dissonance.  Blame Gordon for Re/Membering.  Apparently bleeding all over the internet has sort of always been my thing.

Want a peek?  Apparently, this time of year has always been hard for me.

Cross’d

It’s that dream again
Caught by the mad happiness of flight

Shortly before my teeth and
eyes have gone missing

She’s watching
Streaks of red
hair. blood. heart. memories.

Her geese are leaving
She is leaving

Broken promises remembered
Forgiveness rendered maudlin

Too much
Always too much

Until I am hiding under my bed
Trying not to breathe
Blending into bras, socks, dustbunnyscapes
Forget.

 

Poisoned

i am
uselessly naked

bruised thighs
cankersore’d lips

cinnamon rolled belly
snotted in hair

my pussy slick
with poison

My bed
a misama
tidal waves of blankets
tissues and books
float gently unconcerned
by their decay

i am balled up
an ugly seirene
bastard child

i never learned to sing
good enough to drag him
down with me

My sisters would have
drowned you
for your mewling chorus of
it’s not you it’s me

i never learned to sing
good enough to drag him
down with me

They have disowned me
i am too stupid with love
forgetting i am poisoned
and then crying about it later

i never learned to sing
good enough to drag him
down with me

i couldn’t be
terribly shining

i couldn’t remember
that you are plankton

i couldn’t be
confident in my kill

i never learned to sing
good enough to drag him
down with me

i always wanted to
[love you] i always wanted to
keep you safe from/with me

i never learned to sing
good enough to drag you
down with me

 

God!  Who would guess that my first marriage wouldn’t work out, am I right?  23 was brutal, yo.  Brutal and beautiful.  In some ways it was easier.  I had a bravado about me and I believed I could kick down any door I needed.  Now at 34 with a few lines on my face, I’m a little older, a little more tired, a little more afraid.  I miss the wrecklessness sometimes.  Eat, Drink, Be Merry for Tomorrow We Die.

Except tomorrow keeps coming if you’re lucky and you need to be able to pay for yesterday tomorrow which is now today.

I’m faltering is what I’m trying to say, the long way around.  I’m faltering right now because it’s the most depressing time of year and everyone around me is feeling it and I’m feeling it.  It’s hard to do magic when you’re depressed.  It’s hard to do anything when you’re depressed.  But I’m trying.  I’m pushing.  I’m paying my bills, going to work, finishing my book and getting ready to send it to press.  The cats are at war again, shitting and pissing everywhere.  It’s supposed to snow for my birthday party.  Jow and I work almost opposite hours.  It’s hard not to get dragged under right now.

But I need to keep paddling, even if I’m swallowing salt water.  I’m pretty sure the Mormon Mommy Bloggers are as well adjusted as they are because they are creating their own reality where they have a decent amount of control over how they’re perceived.  It can be that way for all of us, the internet is your own personal PR machine.  I’m not happy right now.  I’m desperately trying to be.  But I’m not.  It will pass, just like it always does.  But please forgive me if I borrow a little Mormon Mommy Blog magical prowess and work to craft my (daily) reality into what I want it to be using this blog.  Forgive me if it’s a little Pinterest board heavy/daily life picture heavy. I need to improve my outlook and if I can bend my reality into what I want it to be using the intertubes, that’s a bit of magic in and of itself, n’est-ce pas?

Magical practice theory will resume more heavily once the book is published.

6 Responses

  1. Hey, hon,

    That poetry, particularly the second one (ye gods…) reminds me of, not of my first marriage, but of my first girlfriend. The one who insisted I’d never be good enough, had to tell me (and herself) that I’d never be good enough so that she could feel good about herself. (Yeah… We sure can pick ‘em. Eventually. ;-)

    You said:
    “I need to improve my outlook and if I can bend my reality into what I want it to be using the intertubes, that’s a bit of magic in and of itself, n’est-ce pas?”

    Yeah. That’s actually why I got a twitter feed in the first place. I tweeted all the Cool Stuff – the modeling, the creativity, the poetry, the shows – as if that was my entire life the Day Job didn’t even exist. (It worked!)
    Meliad recently posted..Internal Landscape (Trance attempt #1).My Profile

    • I like to hope that we picked the people so we could stop doing that. ;p I have to believe those were hard lessons we had to learn so we could stop picking people like that!

  2. It is definitely a hard time of year. I’m struggling to keep on plugging away at the things I want to get done and not get dragged down by my depression over the little time I have for those things, due to the day job. It’s a pervasive feeling of my life evaporating away before my eyes and all my best energy going towards making someone else richer. But all I can do is keep going. I know it will get better. Hang in there!
    Beth recently posted..A Few Things To Consider About Hard PolytheismMy Profile

  3. A hard time of the year, indeed. We shortened our winter/Christmas break this past year, and lots of parents and kids returned to school still high on the frazzle and fritz of the High Holidays (no matter which holidays you regard as high), unschooled but not rested. The result has been a January that felt like Narnia under the White Witch — always winter and never Christmas.

    But hey, it’s Thursday, and I’m wearing magic cufflinks, and the Moon is in her Eighth Mansion — the Eagle soaring over the earth, carrying prayers to heaven and sending good tidings to those below (unless you’re a rabbit). Tomorrow may be bollixed up good and proper, Ninth Mansion and all that, but fear not: Saturday the moon will be in the 10th Mansion, for all good things and benefits — the Lion’s Mane in royalty appearing. Fear not: Aslan is on the move. ;-)
    Andrew B. Watt recently posted..Taiji Day 322: Horse stanceMy Profile

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