This is really painful. Donna had a quiet melodic voice who dressed beautifully and always had a kind word for everyone during circle. She was an amazing listener, gave beautiful rituals and looked gorgeous when she was bedecked in glitter and floral garlands. She always brought delicious food to circle, she was always so supportive of me, even through my Difficult Maiden Years. Donna wasn’t afraid to stand up for herself, for justice or for what she believed in. All of her threads of gentleness was supported by a spine of steel. Rituals at her house usually required the hunky local fire department to come by because we could never get the hang of working the fireplace in her lovely historic home. No one ever minded the interruption much, it was an excuse to giggle and eat more bread before getting back to the serious work of ritual. She was a loving mother and wife, she was a successful therapist, she worked her ass off in as a singer/song writer/screen play writer and the world was a bit brighter and a bit shinier to have her. She was in very good health and only 63 years old when we lost her on Wednesday, February 5 2014.
We lost her because Jason Lutz was driving down a residential street while Donna and her husband were crossing in a crosswalk and he was driving while distracted. I can’t even make sense out of it. I try to think about it, to feel something, to let myself cry but when I read from my sisters that she didn’t make it out of her coma and had died, all that slipped through my lips was a strangled, “oh!” That’s it . . .just, “oh!” In a lot of ways, I’m still there, in that liminal free fall state of shock, it hasn’t made bone shattering impact against grief and reality yet. It doesn’t feel real. How could this be? How could Donna taking a walk with her husband + Jason Lutz not paying attention for a moment = we will never see Donna again?
My circle had just had ritual a week or two previously, it was during my busy time of year. I figured I would see everyone this month. Instead we’ll be having a memorial ritual for Donna. Jow and I will be going to the wake on Sunday. I don’t know if it will become real then. I just don’t. A few people have tentatively said, you’ve been through a lot lately. I nod. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what I’ll say when I see Donna’s son and husband or when I see my sisters. It’s all just a white space in my head.